How We Accidentally Reinforce Not Getting What We Want
“My Mom never said I love you which is why it’s so important that I hear that consistently from my partner.”
“I always wanted my parents to say good job, which is why I’m so frustrated my boss never recognizes me.”
It’s completely normal to seek external validation. Needing to hear from the important people in your life that they see, appreciate, and love you is a completely fair ask. Unfortunately, our discomfort with the unfamiliar often reinforces this need not getting met.
Let’s say you were a child that rarely received validation - you didn’t get the “good jobs,” “I’m so proud of you,” or the “I love you’s.” Or maybe you were a kid that got infrequent mixed messages in which praise was mixed with criticism and there was no consistent pattern to hold onto. Regardless of if you didn’t get it at all, sometimes, or kind of, it’s an incredibly painful experience to not receive the validation you need from your parents. This created a deep-rooted wound and intense craving for external validation as an adult.
Yet, despite the desire, when we receive validation as an adult - we feel completely uncomfortable. I’m talking painfully awkward - the kind where you wave back to someone and realize they were never waving to you to begin with and want to start a new life in a foreign country kind of awkward. Our discomfort causes us to minimize or dismiss the validation we’ve been wanting.
“It’s no big deal”
“It wasn’t that hard”
“No problem at all”
Maybe you urgently try to change the subject or deflect with self-deprecating humor. You might even score yourself lower on your performance reviews because it feels so uncomfortable to acknowledge and validate yourself.
When our discomfort causes us to deflect, minimize, dismiss, or ignore, we unintentionally give that person the sign that we don’t want to be verbally validated and they stop doing so. We might even subconsciously seek out people who don’t express words of affirmation because that’s what feels familiar to us and we mistakenly correlate familiarity with safety.
Things That Can Help:
Talk About the Elephant In The Room: If you know that you’re somebody that sucks at taking a compliment or is uncomfortable receiving praise, vocalize that the next time your partner, boss, or friend tries to tell you they appreciate you. Say something like - “I know I’m so awkward when you give me positive feedback, but it truly means a lot to me. It’s really important to me to know that you think I’m doing a good job.”
Pause and Ground: Before you minimize or deflect, try to pause and take a deep breath. The intention is your BFF. If you know you’re going to be receiving feedback, take time to ground yourself before the meeting. Meditate, journal, and vent to a friend beforehand so you’re more regulated prior.
Mantra: Try practicing the mantra “discomfort fosters growth” or “discomfort is temporary.”
Document: Because we’re uncomfortable or anxious, we often don’t actually hear or internalize the validation. Write it down! Keep a doc on your computer or a note on your phone that you can go back to over time.
