The Mindset Shift That Will Radically Change Your Dating

Be skinny, but with curves in all the right places. Be smart, but not intimidating. Be funny, but not at the expense of his self-esteem. Be a virgin, but know all the right moves to seduce him. The amount of contradicting messages we’ve received as women on how to attract a partner is infuriating. It’s not just that our culture sets us up to fail, but that it is fundamentally assumed that our goal is to attract a man, no matter the cost. The ultimate test of proving our worth is evaluated by our capacity to get married. It’s no wonder that I commonly hear from my clients that they’re fearful, stressed, and apprehensive about dating. How is anyone going to live up to the unrealistic standards our society has created and why should we want to? 

Ditch The Alter-Ego

Learning to disentangle ourselves from the confines of cultural norms takes a lot of time, compassion, and patience. It starts by noticing the thoughts you have surrounding your worth and self-esteem. Frequently, we’ve internalized a lot of the messages we’ve received about what we need to be or how we need to act in order to find companionship. We’ve created an alter-ego in hopes of securing their approval. Yet, this further perpetuates the idea that simply getting a partner or gaining their affection is the end goal.

Refocus On Yourself

Dating to find a boyfriend is one thing. Dating to find someone that can meet your needs, shares your values, and whom you enjoy spending time with is another. When we start dating from a place of, “I need them to like me,” we externalize all of our focus and attention. We’ll overanalyze their body cues and verbal expressions, reading for any sign that they do in fact like you. All the while, ignoring our own internal experience of how we feel when we’re around them.

Reframe

When you find yourself hyper-focusing on if they like you, try to reframe your thought to “do I like them?” Pause and take stock of how you’re feeling, if you’re interested in what they have to say, or if you feel comfortable with them. Going in with this mindset grounds you in your worth. It centers you on the belief that you have nothing to prove. It reminds you that the end goal is an authentic connection.